Wednesday, October 18, 2006

My trip to Beirut (IV)

... Et au cote d'azure ...

To Nice,
L’azure makes the Mediterranean anywhere else look unappealing…

The loft by the Promenade des Anglais was everything I could ask for.

Cannes, Monaco, our black and white gala at the Troix diables a Place Massena and dancing all night at Milk at Juan les Pins.

Days were for the beach. Days were for sleeping.

I bathed in every beach from Saint Lauran du Var to St Jean Cap Ferrat,
till I found Villefranche-sur-mer. Only then I knew where I wanted to live. I knew exactly who I am and I knew who I am not and I can never be. I had found my heaven and I made a promise to myself to go back to Beirut.

Corsica, Saint Tropez, it was time to go home…
My anxiety finally left me knowing I will be home the next day so I slept. I slept so long I was late to the airport again. I had missed my flight to Beirut that morning…


_z. said...

everytime I decide to go home, and everytime I think of going back home, terrible anxiety, fear, and stress take over me.
do you get that too?

Mirvat said...

i'm going to assume that you mean going back for good and not just a vacation, in that case,
yes i do.. and while the idea of being where i truly feel i belong makes me happy, i'm terrified at the same time. i know i like a simpler life and i like people around me which makes me feel less anxious but then i'm scared of the unknown.. what will i do? will i have friends? will it be what i had in mind or is it just the romance of nostalgia?
will i belong there... just when i ask this question i tell myself, but you will never belong here so better go back before i get detached from there too..
morally speaking, i should be next to my family and i should be in my country esp. after the latest events, but also morally speaking, isn't economically more helpful if i'm here?

these thoughts go through my head every day. i'm waiting for a sign while i graduate and i'm just getting more and more confused and scared

sometimes i wish i had less options. i wish i had someone who tells me what i should do :)

i needed to get this off my chest!

in case you meant for a vacation, no not really..

_z. said...

good. you let it out a bit. But what you are laying out mirvat is very normal. I like you, am no nomad. wherever I go, I dwell, and for a long time before I decide to change... it at all. I don't like change either.
It was very hard to decide to leave Beirut and come here. It is much harder to backtrack now.

However, I meant for vacation. Everytime I want to go back for a while, I freak out. I want to go back and find everything as is (family and friends wise). I don't want anything to change.
I hate change.

be happy bannout.

Mirvat said...

i hate change too! i knew you were like that ya sabi because you're so nostalgic all the time. you know why we're like that? don't laugh at me.. i think people who lack affection in their life tend to get attached to things and places and people and tend to dwell. we seek a routine to feel safe.
in my case i cry every time i see my nephews. because i miss them of course but also because they change so quickly! i find comfort in beirut because it remains the same every time i go there and a lot of people 3a7attet eedak.. isn't it great? i had a crisis when my sister left her boyfriend. i wanted them together, the same. not because i like him.. it's how i remember them..

i don't know.. it's all good :)

_z. said...

no no, I think you are absolutely right. we are very much alike. But were you like that in Lebanon? I didn't like change back then either. I am one of those guys who really like the familiar, and for that I am very faithful to things I get attached to. ye3ne, I love to buy my stuff from the same grocery store, know the owner, say hello, talk a little. I love to go to the same bar... befriend the bartender, and all that.

yes maybe lack of affection, and then I build my own close affectionate society around my beign... eh maybe. good analysis M.

w the story of your sister's boyfriend is very trues also. I mean in a different sense for me, bu the analogy is there no question about it.

Mirvat said...

yes i was like that in lebanon too so i always think that the main source of nostalgia could just be a romantic idea resulting from my fixation over the things i had to give away part of this big change rather than actually missing what's really there.