I remember a conversation a lifetime ago. It went something like that.
He said.
– have you ever been suicidal?
– No, have you?
– yes
– why?
– I don’t know. That’s the point of being suicidal. It’s not about being sad or depressed or disappointed. It’s about void. About not feeling at all.
– I guess I had felt like that but I wouldn’t go that far. Not to the point of being suicidal. I mean if you’re not depressed, why do it?
– Because you’re done with all of it
– But you’re never done. When things go bad..
– No, you’re not getting my point. Things don’t need to go bad. You could be on top of the world and still just lose the meaning of it.
– Yeah, that’s why people need to keep busy with jobs and kids and what not..
– All the attachments and the immediate duties and pleasures are meaningless. Nothing matters. You’re sunk within yourself..
– But if you love yourself
– Has nothing to do with it
– But I mean life is so full of possibilities
– Again, it’s not about being faced with a failure in one scenario. You sound like my psychiatrist, back then. I wanted to hit him. Couldn’t listen to it anymore. He went on about how I could always start new with no pressure. Just hearing about it made me more tired.
– I guess I get it
– You can’t tell a suicidal person all this. When you get to that, when nothing matters, when you are not ashamed or disappointed or offended or late or early or hungry or fat or stupid or tanned or drunk or behind on work or behind on life, you’re just done.
– Yes, I know…
Later in life, I have lived the utter emptiness and I have sunk deep within myself. No hate, no love, no emotions, no people, no books, no life will fill the void. I was done.
I have nothing to tell you today, A., except that there is no rush. Take your time. See what happens. It sounds very cold and shockingly detached. I don’t know what’s in the void. I can’t see your pain and I don’t understand the state you’re in. Who can ever understand?
Just take your time my darling. What’s the rush?
14 comments:
'when everything becomes meaningless' is the ultimate horrible feeling..i still don't understand what drives a non-depressed person to suicide. but i do believe there is always something to be done to reverse the situation..
The closer you look at life, the less meaning it holds.
The more you try to change things, the more you realize how little you can change.
The more you pursue happiness, the more you understand how much chance and luck have played in you being what you are.
So, like that sailboat in the picture, you have one of 2 ultimate fates, you either sink yourself, or you drift along with the wind. I know what the bottom of the lake looks like. I have yet to see the other shore. And but for that intellectual curiousity to see "what will happen next", I would have let the water in a long time ago...
depression leads to lack of energy. and lack of energy prevents from suicide (feeling so low that you don't actually have the energy to do something about it), in a way it's a self protection mechanism... this is why sometime when people feel slightly 'better', they immediately commit suicide, because now they have enough energy to do it.
so what I'm saying is that better to have suicidal feelings with depression, than without... otherwise nothing stop us from doing it..
laila, it doesn't have to be depression. it doesn't have to be in response to anything. it's simply a feeling that nothing satisfies you anymore and that you are not driven towards anything like that boat with no will to go anywhere.
ramzi it's true. In the midst of an existentialist crisis,sometimes you stay just to see what will happen next. also the bottom of the lake is so scary and the idea of the unknown is much more terrifying than any form of nothingness in this life, which we are already familiar with.
and gus you can really be suicidal even without being depressed. what keeps you is this passive existence.
Mirvat,
are you suicidal?
no hashem.
i'm talking about my friend. i never was even when i was very depressed at times. life is very absurd but the idea of 'no life' is even more absurd and scary to me.
What's the rush... the rush, I guess, is to actively end that which is unnecessary. Through suicide, death becomes a purpose rather than an end. It's the last blush of meaning when all meaning is gone. We never choose to be born, nor do we choose to die. To give ourselves death gives us some control over our destiny. Suicide then ceases to be an act of desperation, but a philosophy and ironically, a way of life.
As you all probably know, this is not the way I think or feel. I am only playing the devil's advocate.
I'm not sure suicidals feel they are in control....the idea is so overwillming that they feel they submit to it...
Theat's why some people admits themselves to the hospital that they are afraidthey make act on their suicidal ideations.
i don't know hashem. i have to agree with fouad on this one. the act of ending your life takes a lot of power and determination. i would think the person who is willing to do such a thing must feel in control of something. i wouldn't think they just passively submit to it.
behind on life....
sounds scary more like a fact than an idea...
could be!
I have written about that in a comment on Jimmy's blog. I used to suffer from severe depression with all the symptoms including lack of energy but this hadn't prevented me from committing suicide. You reach a certain point where you can't bear anymore waking up in the morning, meeting and talking to others, you don't care anymore about your parents, lovers, friends, they don't matter. It's not a releif that you search for,it's an end. You don't want anymore to feel anything, to open your eyes. And before reaching the final act, i have had several inconscious suicidal act, i used to find myself in the middle of a street on a green light, i've did it several times. I used to fell down, to feel like wanting to jump on the metro line when you are near it......
i hope you feel better now :)
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