Thursday, August 24, 2006

Baynetna… we bisara7a
(pic)

I don’t know when it will end... I don’t think it will end... Not a month from now... Not a year from now... Not a lifetime...

Ya3ne bisara7a

I’m scared and confused... I don’t know if I found myself... Or lost myself in this... I don’t know if it matters... If I lose myself... When people... Lose their lives...

Bisara7a

I do miss you... But I don’t feel that I deserve... To be happy in any way... and I know it’s wrong... But who cares... It’s also right...

We kamen

I feel guilty every second... Of every day... I feel guilty when I feed my cats... I feel bad when i tell you that... I feel guilty when i eat a full meal... When I wear a clean shirt... When I wear perfume... When I wash my hair... When I smile to strangers...

I’ve grown intolerant of everything... And everyone... On this side of the ocean... The least I can do... Is to punish them... With my scorning looks... For their indifference... But who am I to judge them... When I feel so guilty myself...

I pity every moment I thought... I’m in control... Of anything in life... Including myself... I regret every second... I look down at the bench... To the gods of science... When I could be looking up... To the gods of mercy...

I feel humbled and small... Yet outraged and frustrated... I feel hurt but who am I... To feel hurt, compared to them?... I feel weak, but how can i... When I should fight... And I don’t know what I should do... And i know it will not matter... What i do or do not do... And i feel sick with despair...

bisara7a... mish tay’a 7aleh... bikill sara7a... I’m still in denial
Bass khallouwa baynetna...

23 comments:

Ostfen said...

M, ra2i3a mennik. Bisara7a:)

anny said...

woow myrvat ...shwai shwai ... great post ... and i have the cure... i told you about it .... althawwwraaa ... will solve all your problems... the best denial medication... yalla join me...

laila said...

bass baynetna, you're a great writer ya binit

Ghassan said...

bisara7a, now you go to the punch line in all this... and it's true dear. but don't despair; we breathed together all this, and everything else before... we are a relentless colony of ants, and this is how we should always stay.
anny, what the...

Zee said...

Mirvat,
the picture you posted is beautiful, it really is!
I have a cat as well, actually I have two. There is nothing wrong with feeding your cats.
There is sorrow for me as well, maybe more than two. I need to heal it. There is nothing wrong with healing sorrow.
I have multiple pain, pain that no pharmacy can manage - the healing though starts right now.
I found that love is the cure for immediate emergencies.
Know that I love you, and that I love your people.
Thoughts have the power to heal,
Lukas.

Mirvat said...

thanks J. ra'e3a, i remember now that you use this word :)

anny, i told you, ma3i wasfe mnil7akeem, mafiyye a3mel thawra. you want to have a small revolution, go answer Akiva in LBF in Fadi's post, i don't have the energy bisara7a.

thanks princess. i bet you like being called princess don't you ;)

Mirvat said...

ghassan kalam gameel..kalam ma3'oul... anny's on dope :)

zee, you have the heart of a true artist.

anny said...

on dope ..ya reit

anny said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
_z. said...

eh eh mirvat baynetna. tomorrow is another day, and you'll go back to being yourself. Mirvat!

lyom rte7e shwayy ma3lech.

apokraphyte said...

Not to give you a headache, but have you seen that woman's web site ... That's what set me off ...

Lirun said...

bizarre.. your words echoed true for me too..

i live in israel and this week i enjoyed a much needed and long planned holiday to portugal where i surfed the atlantic morning to night..

it was such a tough decision.. i have given so much of my salary over the last two months to buy toys for kids in shelters and donate to foundations related to the conflict and yet when i enjoyed my hard earned money instead of giving it i felt soo guilty.. i felt guilty about the money i felt guilty about enjoying i felt guilty about detaching.. only while on the waves could i actually forget what was going on.. and then i felt guilty after each day for doing so..

however.. then i decided to shake the guilt off.. my good friend's brother is now paralised.. and like you i have decided i am not worthy of feelings of self pity or sadness and besides that would be a victory only to those who prayed for my unhappiness..

i know what its like to be far from the centre of national pain.. and all i can say is dont judge yourself.. your life and feelings are not only valid but more than that your happiness is important and vital even in these times..

its being insensitive ignorant and lacking empathy that people should feel ashamed of.. i think you have proven more than enough that you are not suffering any of those predicaments..

wishing peace to us all

lirun
telaviv
www.emspeace.blogspot.com

Eve said...

ma fi a7la min el saraha, especially in your post. wonderful Mirvat :)

Anonymous said...

mirvat, i like this post. sadek kteer.
bass please ma tez3aleh. and don't despair. lebnen aweh kteer. w enteh aweeyeh kamen. so yell ur pride and ur anger and ur wounds all over. u talk so well about our dreams and memories and families and cities. our sea and OUR sun. go
tell the story of the people of lebanon, those who seem divided and scared and weak. the noble and courageous and brave. those who started to build and dream again. ma tkhafeh 3aleyon...they r strong.
live as a lebanese, it is our duty. (the terrible war, the wound accross the big ocean and the white sea. we feel it. we shall never forget). we owe it to them, to lebnen, to be strong.
karameh w cha3eb 3aneed. heik fairouz bet2oul. w be7ebak ya lebnen. kelna cha3eb lebnen.

_z, please play for us: fairouz: kermal illi ra7o.

anon
(baynetna, ma esmeh anon)

Manal said...

Excellent post.

By the way Lirun, you in Tel Aviv can at least chosse to go to travel or not. In Beirut, thanks to Israel this choice is a luxury we do not have the right to have. The war is still not over the blockade is still on.

Lirun said...

manal

my situation is infinitely better - this i do not deny.. but i think pain and sadness are absolute - they are not comparable.. there are also worse fates than that of beirut.. as my friend in darfur tells me..

just expressing my empathy with mirvat's emotions..

peace

lirun

paris parfait said...

Powerful post. Thinking of you and wishing you better days ahead and peace for Lebanon.

Mar said...

It will pass. Your mom did it and got you and your sisters at where you are right now.That war extended for yours and not weeks.
If she did it, and all the Lebanese did it, you can too.

Recollect yourself and try to start once again. It will get better. What you're going through is a normal repercussion of what happened. It will get better mirvat.

Mirvat said...

ok _z :)

D. i haven't, i'll check it out. the blogger is very slow today.

lirun thank you for your words.

eve, thank hayete.

anon, so encouraging, i needed that. thank you.

manal , thanks and nshalla the siege will be over soon.

T. thank you so much. we need your thoughts and prayers.

mar you're right and that, surprisingly, always made me feel safer.

apokraphyte said...

Don't bother ... Your mental health is not worth it ... She has, however, given up on me ... So much for "Christian charity" ...

Mirvat said...

i saw that :)

hashem said...

M.
Bisara7a....this was so true, yet painful....
baynetna...that's what most of us feel....
metel ma 3atool beto2uleely...
hayda ne7na...w hayda jawna...:)

Mirvat said...

eh abulhish
hayda ne7na