PASSING FOR NORMAL

Repeated thoughts ... Still no answers ...

8:00 a.m.
I feel so happy today I can scream! Is life finally catching up? I love it when things shake off a little and you get a peek into what you will do next and your heart can’t contain the joy of the excitement. Every turn in your carrier presents a new life in a new place. It felt so good to wake up today without any feeling of guilt. The first thing I usually get in the morning is a quick flashback from the day before where I focus on the negative and I sink into panic attack. This morning I only have flashbacks from a wonderful day of laughter hope and champagne.
Such a great day!!

8:30 a.m.
I should stop reading Ha’aretz. It is so depressing. Why are they still launching those air raids on Gaza? Why this excess use of power and how is that fine? What is the purpose of this? To kill all the Hamas men and Hamas women and Hamas babies?
- Dan stop it!
He keeps putting the moustache and the eye patch on and he scares me looking like that. Yesterday we decided that a phd is like pregnancy. Once you’re in, you’re stuck, there’s no way out before the defense a.k.a. delivery. Your gynecologist, just like your committee members, comes along to help you out but in the end you’re the only one who has to push and hurt. Your last meeting with them is equivalent to your last visit to the doctor when he tells you you’re on your own and next time he sees you you’ll be in a great deal of turmoil. You might make your life harder if you don’t do your exercises and be responsible but at the end all will suffer. You know it will result in something that theoretically should be great but will only result in more work, responsibilities and more guilt. Then we agreed it’s more like IVF because you go out of your way to make it happen and you only have yourself to blame when you’re screaming. Ok enough, happy thoughts.

9:00 a.m.
That professor yesterday kept asking about my next plans. The one I met in Germany is waiting for an email and the one in London seemed excited about having me join her group. But wait … Am I not going back home? I forgot how my feelings were before the war and how they changed with it. I love so many things about Lebanon. But I hate so many other things. I left for a reason. It did turn out to be a mistake though. Did it? Still not sure. And now what? I don’t know where I belong anymore … Will deal with it later anyway. But when? What will happen to the cats? Can I ship them? To work there is a major step back. Does it matter? And to whom? How will I live there again? There’s no online shopping but who needs it when everything is accessible? Everything is so chaotic. It is adorable though and so relaxed. And the beach … I could move to San Diego for that. I have a lot of friends there. Maybe Nice? Family. Do I want to live in France for sure? It’s a step closer to home and I do like it there. Why not go all the way home then?. Is it just work? Who cares? Everybody works. Arabic countries? No way. London is another option. Family. A lab I really like. Do I want to stay in a lab? Not sure anymore. I do like the search, the challenge and being at the edge of science. It makes more sense to stay in it to go home eventually. Academia is safer for Lebanon. It’s such a tedious life though. No money. Who cares about money? I never did. If I don’t then why not just go back home? Lebanon feels like the small town people leave to go live the city life. No one actually builds a life in the city. I will never belong here and I’m starting to detach from there. I should take that step before it’s too late. I have to decide where I want to live and the job opportunities follow. Or is it the other way around? It’s great to have the freedom to decide. Or is it? Sometimes I wish someone would tell me what to do. I do love so many things about Lebanon … or is it only in my head? ….

Will see how the rest of the day goes …

Update: 11:00 p.m.
Evil twin annoying the hell out of me!

Update: 12:00 p.m.
Had lunch with L., she recently got fired. Try telling a 50 year old that she will find another job easily when you've been trying telling yourself that all day

Update: 2:00 p.m.
Went to a seminar. I really think the presenter was a prototype of the next generation robot scientists. I don't know what a soul is exactly but i'm assuming it's whatever this person lacks!

5:00 p.m. Happy hour, told rightwinger Bush advocate Israel supporter professor to go srew himself.

5:01 p.m. Left happy hour.

6:00 p.m. Bush said again today that he's very pleased with the outcome in Iraq. Some people still think the war in Iraq was about bringing freedom to the Iraqis. It is so depressing to know that we have to share the earth with so many idiots. And to know these idiots, more than none, are running our lives.

6:30 p.m. What will happen to this world? I don't know if it's comforting to think that the world has known worse super powers in the past or if it's just disturbing to see it all happen again. Mike Malloy said on his last show, we wonder how the Germans let it happen? look at yourself.

7:00 p.m.


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8:00 p.m.
Allo, shou fi mafi
tayyeb i'm going out..

11:00 p.m.
That was fun enough for a Wednesday night ...
Hope to wake up with panic having left me. Hope people will vote democrat in the mid-term elections. Hope a long life to my mom. Hope my nephews' little ears had forgotten the nasty sounds of the war. Hope we all forget the hurt and some turn of events stop the suffering of the rest.
I'm tired ...
Good night

I hate Rachel Ray and Tyra Banks and Bill Oreilly and i really don't know why America runs on Dunkin!