Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Repeated thoughts ... Still no answers ...

8:00 a.m.
I feel so happy today I can scream! Is life finally catching up? I love it when things shake off a little and you get a peek into what you will do next and your heart can’t contain the joy of the excitement. Every turn in your carrier presents a new life in a new place. It felt so good to wake up today without any feeling of guilt. The first thing I usually get in the morning is a quick flashback from the day before where I focus on the negative and I sink into panic attack. This morning I only have flashbacks from a wonderful day of laughter hope and champagne.
Such a great day!!

8:30 a.m.
I should stop reading Ha’aretz. It is so depressing. Why are they still launching those air raids on Gaza? Why this excess use of power and how is that fine? What is the purpose of this? To kill all the Hamas men and Hamas women and Hamas babies?
- Dan stop it!
He keeps putting the moustache and the eye patch on and he scares me looking like that. Yesterday we decided that a phd is like pregnancy. Once you’re in, you’re stuck, there’s no way out before the defense a.k.a. delivery. Your gynecologist, just like your committee members, comes along to help you out but in the end you’re the only one who has to push and hurt. Your last meeting with them is equivalent to your last visit to the doctor when he tells you you’re on your own and next time he sees you you’ll be in a great deal of turmoil. You might make your life harder if you don’t do your exercises and be responsible but at the end all will suffer. You know it will result in something that theoretically should be great but will only result in more work, responsibilities and more guilt. Then we agreed it’s more like IVF because you go out of your way to make it happen and you only have yourself to blame when you’re screaming. Ok enough, happy thoughts.

9:00 a.m.
That professor yesterday kept asking about my next plans. The one I met in Germany is waiting for an email and the one in London seemed excited about having me join her group. But wait … Am I not going back home? I forgot how my feelings were before the war and how they changed with it. I love so many things about Lebanon. But I hate so many other things. I left for a reason. It did turn out to be a mistake though. Did it? Still not sure. And now what? I don’t know where I belong anymore … Will deal with it later anyway. But when? What will happen to the cats? Can I ship them? To work there is a major step back. Does it matter? And to whom? How will I live there again? There’s no online shopping but who needs it when everything is accessible? Everything is so chaotic. It is adorable though and so relaxed. And the beach … I could move to San Diego for that. I have a lot of friends there. Maybe Nice? Family. Do I want to live in France for sure? It’s a step closer to home and I do like it there. Why not go all the way home then?. Is it just work? Who cares? Everybody works. Arabic countries? No way. London is another option. Family. A lab I really like. Do I want to stay in a lab? Not sure anymore. I do like the search, the challenge and being at the edge of science. It makes more sense to stay in it to go home eventually. Academia is safer for Lebanon. It’s such a tedious life though. No money. Who cares about money? I never did. If I don’t then why not just go back home? Lebanon feels like the small town people leave to go live the city life. No one actually builds a life in the city. I will never belong here and I’m starting to detach from there. I should take that step before it’s too late. I have to decide where I want to live and the job opportunities follow. Or is it the other way around? It’s great to have the freedom to decide. Or is it? Sometimes I wish someone would tell me what to do. I do love so many things about Lebanon … or is it only in my head? ….

Will see how the rest of the day goes …

Update: 11:00 p.m.
Evil twin annoying the hell out of me!

Update: 12:00 p.m.
Had lunch with L., she recently got fired. Try telling a 50 year old that she will find another job easily when you've been trying telling yourself that all day

Update: 2:00 p.m.
Went to a seminar. I really think the presenter was a prototype of the next generation robot scientists. I don't know what a soul is exactly but i'm assuming it's whatever this person lacks!

5:00 p.m. Happy hour, told rightwinger Bush advocate Israel supporter professor to go srew himself.

5:01 p.m. Left happy hour.

6:00 p.m. Bush said again today that he's very pleased with the outcome in Iraq. Some people still think the war in Iraq was about bringing freedom to the Iraqis. It is so depressing to know that we have to share the earth with so many idiots. And to know these idiots, more than none, are running our lives.

6:30 p.m. What will happen to this world? I don't know if it's comforting to think that the world has known worse super powers in the past or if it's just disturbing to see it all happen again. Mike Malloy said on his last show, we wonder how the Germans let it happen? look at yourself.

7:00 p.m.

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8:00 p.m.
Allo, shou fi mafi
tayyeb i'm going out..

11:00 p.m.
That was fun enough for a Wednesday night ...
Hope to wake up with panic having left me. Hope people will vote democrat in the mid-term elections. Hope a long life to my mom. Hope my nephews' little ears had forgotten the nasty sounds of the war. Hope we all forget the hurt and some turn of events stop the suffering of the rest.
I'm tired ...
Good night

I hate Rachel Ray and Tyra Banks and Bill Oreilly and i really don't know why America runs on Dunkin!


Lirun said...

you;re not a true middle eastern person.. you should go frolic in the pastures of london and berlin..

as you said you left for a reason..

Mirvat said...

you know what? this is tiring! what the hell is your problem!

my reasons had a lot to do a sense of despair that a continuing war with your country had blessed us with.

grow up lirun. like i care if i fit your definition of a middle-eastern??!! whatever that is!!

psamtani said...

@lirun: Sometimes you just don't know why you leave... sometimes you leave because you don't feel like you have a choice.

you're not a true middle eastern person.
Somebody just told me that yesterday (that I'm not 'really' an Indian), and if she was a dude, I would've smacked her. Who the fuck are you to decide who is 'truly' middle-eastern and who isn't?

@mirvat: So you're done with your doctorate, or are you just going to be done in a fixed amount of time. Either way, I'm jealous.

psamtani said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
psamtani said...

And I'm not gonna ask you again, blacker

Ghassan said...

you woke up at 8 am!

TheBigBadWolf said...

Yes lirin, u khazarian little meathead.

Maya@NYC said...

i can't believe how you voiced so accurately all the conflicts that go in my head about going back vs staying. everyday, a different one wins. and am still here... and they are there...

Mirvat said...

thanks psamtani. i'm getting very very close. hang in there, it'll be over before you know it :)

ghassan, i went to bed early yesterday.

BBW, you know!!! who the hell does he think he is to tell me where i should be!!

maya, i remember you telling me in the cab that maybe the war gave us more reasons to go back. it's one of the things i repeat in my head too now :) but yeah we're still here. i guess we'll know when the time is right.

Anonymous said...

Splendid diary of events, glimpses of real life questions.
I liked the one minute happy hour and the stuck up professor part.
Lebanon will always be a haven and your home. The question is more: Where will I sail my ship now that I am licenced to cruise wherever I wish?
Lebanon doesn't have an obligation towards you - as neither you have any obligation for your "motherland." The umbilical cord has been cut. That in itself is not a bad thing. It lets you to be free, free to help, free to act for, free to enjoy ... the "motherland". Now that is a good state to be in!
Only deeds motivated by unselfish and "free" initiative work wonders.
So the issue is not: Should I go back to Lebanon, but rather - when do I go back and for what purposes (besides refueling your own life forces)!
It's tricky, you are young and you are brave - full of ideals and such (good thing) - and you have a cart full of emotions that color your daily scenery. Out of these colors you weave the strings on your loom and create the fabric of your own destiny.
I believe from the little I know that your carpet looks splendid. The trust you will develop while adding new patterns and strings will only increase in time. Don't worry too (as) much, things, ideas, decisions will come to you equally from the outside as they obviously also come from inside. Destiny has it's wicked ways of knowing whilest you might feel blindfolded. C'est la vie!

These few thoughts from a bohemian wanderer who has been "on the circuit" for a while.

You take care, Zee.

Mirvat said...

thank you dear friend. now i should update: i smiled before going to bed.

gitanes legeres said...

going to bed already??

_z. said...

Mirvat ya mirvat.
whatever you do, wherever you may dwell, you will be brilliant.

don't worry. or at least worry less.

...and always smile.

Mirvat said...

yeah i've been getting up at 5 lately so i'm wiped before midnight! keefik?

zouzou pareillement :)

laila said...

when i read the 8am part i worried. but then it was back to normal :)

hillz said...

liked the chrono..
yalla come to london and ship the cats to bradford. I will send them later ;)

Mirvat said...

yeah chloe, it starts well but by noon back to the usual crap :)

hilal, how is london anyway? do you like living there?

psamtani said...

Ha... what's funny is that the girl meant it as a 'compliment' (and I believe lirun saw himself as complimenting you when he said you're not a 'true' middle eastern person), dropped me an email with a number and expects me to call!!

About where to go, I know a lot of my Lebanese friends love Dubai (some have moved there from the U.S.), but it's becoming a little too plastic for my taste, and I have a feeling you'd share my distaste.

Finally, I have to disagree with you on one thing.... I love Rachael Ray (yes, that the right spelling)!!! Sorry :(

Mirvat said...

no i know what lirun means. he wouldn't compliment me and he identifies himself strongly as a middle-eastern so he wouldn't use that as an insult
guys love rachael ray, my roommate is crazy about her. her voice annoys me and the way she laughs .. :)