Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Moving back ...

It is so difficult to face the blank sometimes, to break the insolence of a pale page, to conquer the blankness of life …
Where do I start? Which cliché do I leave behind? Is that the cycle of things?
In between worlds, when all is gutted, meaningless, so far behind like a lifetime away like a pain subsiding like a memory like your face that faded. When all that meant so deeply so intensely does not now. When the person you have grown into does not apply. When a clash is more than a clash and a step is like a leap in time. So many emotions so much fear and so much confusion … I need to write to hear my thoughts, to understand how I feel. For the first time in a while I truly am not sure of anything and have no reference to fall back on. For the first time in years I truly miss you and I truly need you.

People here talk about money in terms of achievement, about the least amount of work possible describing a good job, about their families and their kids and the heat and their cell phones and their car payments and their sibling who got a greencard and about politics and the next war ... People there go to work, pay the bills, eat dinner, sleep while thinking of the weekends and pay in advance for the next vacation. People here look for work, fix things up, get things going, talk about people, eat out, don’t sleep and live a vacation. People there give themselves small treats to do the work, a coffee break, a cigarette break, people here do the work because they have to, all the while hating the system and cursing the boss.

People in a richer more stable country have the luxury to talk. To really talk. They talk about feelings but only theirs. People here do not talk. Do you ever crave a conversation? A real heart to heart. It takes some humility, some security some real sense of self to open up and be honest. We still have the same taboos. We are afraid to show our weaknesses, afraid to learn and most of all to admit to a mistake. All we talk is small talk is empty talk is endless chatter about nothing. I felt that we would never get anywhere politically listening to two people with the same opinions conversing about politics only to go round and round with no aim of the conversation. Life here is a hypothesis with no intent to proving it. The pattern repeats with everything here. Hence the aimless jobs with no aspirations to make changes, hence raising our kids with the same lazy inherited values, hence the passive lazy dreams. Who is to be blamed with the ‘situation’ we are in but, really? Did we not historically end up in this situation every time because of our passive attitude? Maybe? Or not … People would be the same everywhere possibly given the chance. If their jobs were secured by their connections, they would give up on creativity and initiative, they would freeze up and all follows … It’s a country post-existentialist struggles living with no rules but their own, tortured by their own, and with the sole restriction of money.

It is almost another culture shock. I find myself lost and confused half of the time and then amazed and impressed by the will to live and to go on … By the conviction with what one has and the ability to settle and be content with the denial of one’s rights and the loss of the basic need to feel involved and secure and meaningful. Amazed but observant and nearly understanding of the process of denial of the past and forced shortsightedness of the future. I analyze to find the difference much slimmer than what I originally expected and felt. Global shortsightedness is what we witness. Differing causes but same result. The feeling of lack of control over the mood of the world, over what nature hides, over what tomorrow brings, we live life by installments. Little installments of love, of fun, of happiness and short term goals and dreams. Little dreams. Little goals along the way that keep us going. We are emotionally lazy.
lazy attitude, our lazy loyalty to one figure who will protect our lazy inherited social and tribal identity? It is frustrating. The sense of helplessness that does not start with one self and will not end with one self. The feeling of collective helplessness and surrender.

In the meantime, some things remain strong. We still pray and still believe in a sub-sect vastly opposing and fundamentally clashing with the sect in the neighboring block. This will drive us into endless discussions and will instigate our will to fight and to struggle. We hold on to dying ideas and traditions and superstitions. We still have separate graveyards, we still are ashamed to wear glasses, we have a maid a Mercedes and the business card of a plastic surgeon in every middle class home, we overspend and under-produce, we are morally bankrupt but where do we start?

Talking smack about my people, seems I’m fitting in after all …


gitanes legeres said...

it's true and very confusing too.. mais c est la vie my dear.. enjoy every moment of it..
but do we really belong to a place and people? i think we belong to memories rather.. just an impression..

Ghassan said...

welcome back you lovely darling. hang on to the fading faces and we'll get there. and remember it's all like a computer game just think about getting to the next level (refrain from killing everything that moves of course)

Mar said...

yes dear, tell me about it.. a reverse culture shock. It's not fun, it wasnt for me...We'll never change... we're the best and worst people on this planet.

Gitanese s right... I wonder if qwe belong to places and people too... places more than people makes me feel better...

welcome back! Enjoy

snurdly said...

Welcome back Mirvat! I'm glad everything is going well. Nice pictures. I see youve moved far away from politics seeing that the Lebanese army can quite brutal to poor Palestinians, as they didn't have helicopters etc. *s*

rhiannon said...

"seeing that the Lebanese army can quite brutal to poor Palestinians, as they didn't have helicopters etc."


As usual your comments are worthy of derision. You really care about the "poor" palestinians?

Why so concerned?

Why even torment people with this ugly dig....actually this gloating in disguise?

You are loving every minute of bodies dropping, regardless whether they are Lebanese soldiers or Palestinian refugees.

You are secretly in love with the bloodshed, you parasite, you.

Instead, why don't you concern yourself with the poor israelis supporting a bastard, military government bent on destruction of all that is good, decent and wholesome?

They are the ones who are poor, especially in heart, soul and mind.

But above be pitied.

snurdly said...

Rhiannon-- As a champion of armed groups and militias, it must have been very painful for you to witness such utter brutality an Arab government can have over fellow Muslims...and Palestinians no less. I mean, if you put the TV on mute, you'd of thought it was the Israelis doing it, or even the US. But we'll downplay the violence, because after all, it was only Arab-on-Arab violence and that's not the real violence we get angry about.

rhiannon said...

Don't know where you got the notion that I championed your tribe of israeli terrorists. You must have been misreading my posts....ah but you always misread my posts, snurly - you do it on purpose.

Why would I champion the horrors brought upon the Lebanese, Palestinians and Iraqis - brought upon your hateful terrorist israeli government via the USA?

You wish that I was somebody that I am not.

Meanwhile, I know that you are never in pain. No conscience. Must be fun to bathe in the blood bath of all those children.

Lirun said...

allo mirvat ca va mon ami.. ca fait longtemps..

je vien de passer plusieurs semaines au maroc pour faire du surf.. genial.. des vagues delicieuses..

tu me manque ma soeur..

Michael Cammer said...

"People in a richer more stable country have the luxury to talk."

Bullshit. People in a richer more stable country may be working and thinking of nothing but work and, therefore, not even be talking to their colleagues about information important to do the work. And we have the luxury to talk? Give me a break. Maybe then there'd be time to talk.

Mirvat said...

but believe it or not michael, people in new york, at least, are nice and polite and considerate. i mean i have to give credit for the people here with all what they're going through but i had gone through another culture shock when i came here. you want to meet cynical dark neurotic people? new yorkers? no, people in beirut!