Saturday, December 29, 2007

From A to _Z

I don’t know where to start so I just will.
Things have been going really fast. I have taken a sudden detour in my life, switched all my plans around and it is something I usually do not do, being as hesitant as I am. The change made my head spin. I did not think this one through, I just wanted to follow my instinct and I cannot safely say I regret what I did, I can only say that I am not sure yet and I do not think I will ever know if what I did was the right thing to do. Anyway, it was fast. I did not give myself time to chicken out. I did so much in so little time to settle and to make things feel like home. So much happened, so much that I wanted to talk about and share. So many discoveries and resolutions and events. A blogger’s dream in a way. I was overwhelmed with ideas and emotions that I froze. With time I lost track of where I came from. Then I made a decision to share news about my new life and my new problems and my new disappointments. That stopped me. That scared me. You can imagine. Only you can. Only another hopeless nostalgic. What I longed for, the excuse of living ‘temporarily’ as you call it, was an illusion. I had carried all my weakness, my failure, my sadness with me and in a short time I created an exact replica of my previous life, here. My apartment, by the beach, gorgeous, looks just like my place in nyc, my job, awkward, add to it the complete lack of intellectual freedom with the lack of funds here, my social life, still lacking but appears not to be. That is when it hit me. This is who I am. That is when I learned to forgive myself for my shortcomings, my solitude, my longing, my constant fear and hesitation and stagnation but I felt like I knew nothing. Like I had nothing to share. Like nothing I said before holds. Like I never had any answers. I still am as alone as ever. I still hate change, I still am nostalgic… Now I miss your writings. I miss my new York. I miss my friends. I miss having an excuse to complain. How pathetic is that? I miss the illusion of a temporary life. When this is supposed to be it. So this is it?
I am sorry. I will try to write more.
So this is what has been up. In a nutshell. From A to _Z.
How you've been?


Anonymous said...

Nice to know you have been nostalgic, the past gives you toe-hold. Yet, no one is ever alone. Look around you.

M Bashir said...

beautifully said...

Mar said...

Your body made the move, your mind was lagging behind. It takes time to focus.. I felt the same. You can always go back.

So welcome back! :)

Zee said...

I don't know what to say Mirvat. I sort of miss you, even though we never made it happen to meet up in NYC. I also did let you down for not appearing at the demo - but I couldn't have made it, seriously.
So, maybe all this is good, maybe this is how it should be. Your back in Leb and it seems you found your way back home, your way back in and around. Isn't that a good thing?
For some strange intuitive reason I believe that it will be easier to see you in Lebanon than in New York. I actually still would like to demystify my preconceptions of that region of the world. You are my only "straw" or link. Perhaps you could be so kind to email me privately and tell me your whereabouts or/and your phone number. I would sincerely appreciate it, and as you know me, I will not abuse your trust.
Since I came back from the island, there has been quite a bit of change for me as well. I will not elaborate on your blog - but I can say as much: Everything is fine!

AM said...

Ya ahla ew sahla back. Been missing your style of writing and news :)

Happy new year kamen.

Lirun said...

dont worry zee she didnt have time to meet me either :p

_z. said...

I apologize for being late.

thank you, thank you, thank you.