When you look it in the face..
when you live it..
breathe it..
there aren't five stages of grief..
no
there's only one stage..
a circle
an endless circle
a repeating dream..
you forget and then you remember..
your brain tries to wrap around the news
the realization
and you cannot overcome the unthinkable
so you forget again
till it hits you again
and every time it hits harder
with the added guilt of having avoided thinking about it..
it is not stages
it is an endless cycle
of bitterness
of fear
of disbelief...
Monday, June 29, 2015
Thursday, August 01, 2013
When a girl loses her mother ..
I have been away from my blog for a while.. This is why...
I remember being a little girl and having my hair cut very short and I remember crying and hiding from people's eyes.. It is because we grow up on fairy tales of lovely princesses with long hair, Rapunzel, Ariel the mermaid .. and what a heart break that was when her sisters in a heroic expression of sisterhood chopped off their locks for her.
A woman’s hair remains her pride, her crown and maybe that is why people fear cancer the most when they see a woman having lost her fair. I wish that was the worst part of that ugly disease and what it leads to ..
The day I tool her, however, to get her hair cut was one of the most trying days of my life. There I was, taking my mother by the hand to get her prepared for the journey. She opted to spare her regular hairdresser the news. I take her by the hand and, like a child, she does not protest. Like the little girl I was, she finds herself helpless, led, driven and stripped lock by lock from her femininity.
Then every night, when the chemo kicked in, I would take her head in my arms every night. I would brush her hair, hiding away the shedding locks. I would tell her about my day at work, like she used to tell me about hers over coffee in the afternoons.
Sitting together in that sterile ward, watching the food channel and brushing my mother’s falling hair will always be the most intimate time and the most heart wrenching time of my life.
People fear cancer the most when they see a woman losing her hair.. what about her identity, her appetite, her voice, her vision, her dignity…
Today I decided to start expressing my grief. I decided to confront my remaining grief and the imagery I was afraid to revisit for the past year. It is strange how cruel people can be faced with your grief. People seem very understanding initially. As time passes they lose interest. They wonder why you still look sad when you are not mourning anymore. One look into your eyes gives away that you still mourn and your grief is awake.. no it is not easy for a girl to lose a mother.. no you never revert back, you never forget and you never move on..
Do not go… not
yet…
Your limbs spread around you
As if to make a statement
As if to tell the world you exist
Still
As if to say
That you are not ready to go
Not yet ...
Behind your frail body
Beaten with sickness
Your aching bones
Your eyes, deepened with pain
Blackened with fear
You scream, let me stay
And your mortal flesh resists
You slowly
Ever so cruelly
Cease to exist
Your disintegrating organs
Your wrinkling face
Are mocking the power that you were
Every tear they drop around you
Fill you with despair
And you’re not ready
Not yet ...
In a blink of a blink
You are reduced to wires and numbers
A lump of bones
Wrapped in a quilt of flesh
Your vibrant presence
Emptied and gutted
Flipped inside out
Carved and all is left
Scars ...
You look so small, so weak
And I feel weak
I feel like my back is broken
Like I am exposed
Like I am lost
And a chart reminds me
That they will scar you again
And I want you to be healthy again
And I want to be a kid again
Hiding in you and playing around you
Your sick arms cannot pick me up
Anymore ...
I want them to remove that silly robe
And give you your clothes
And I wish you would forgive me
For the times I wasn’t there
For when I didn’t stand beside you
for when I didn’t understand
and I wish I had another chance
to make it up for you
and show you I still need you
Don’t go,
Not yet ...
As if to make a statement
As if to tell the world you exist
Still
As if to say
That you are not ready to go
Not yet ...
Behind your frail body
Beaten with sickness
Your aching bones
Your eyes, deepened with pain
Blackened with fear
You scream, let me stay
And your mortal flesh resists
You slowly
Ever so cruelly
Cease to exist
Your disintegrating organs
Your wrinkling face
Are mocking the power that you were
Every tear they drop around you
Fill you with despair
And you’re not ready
Not yet ...
In a blink of a blink
You are reduced to wires and numbers
A lump of bones
Wrapped in a quilt of flesh
Your vibrant presence
Emptied and gutted
Flipped inside out
Carved and all is left
Scars ...
You look so small, so weak
And I feel weak
I feel like my back is broken
Like I am exposed
Like I am lost
And a chart reminds me
That they will scar you again
And I want you to be healthy again
And I want to be a kid again
Hiding in you and playing around you
Your sick arms cannot pick me up
Anymore ...
I want them to remove that silly robe
And give you your clothes
And I wish you would forgive me
For the times I wasn’t there
For when I didn’t stand beside you
for when I didn’t understand
and I wish I had another chance
to make it up for you
and show you I still need you
Don’t go,
Not yet ...
Friday, October 08, 2010
He's leaving .. On a midnight train ..
She made his morning coffee, and sat beside him
Would you stay longer, she asked..
No little girl I have to go,your flowers are wilting now.
but I’ll give you snow, she begged..
I have to go,
to where the air smells like a million treasures,
and the children play… to the green meadows .. to the land of oblivion..
he decided.
Cold in his posture, he gave her a kiss on the cheek
and they walked ..
she stood as the train left,
as she waved, he wept..
she smiled,
she knew she had planted her seed…
she knew she will haunt him forever…
She made his morning coffee, and sat beside him
Would you stay longer, she asked..
No little girl I have to go,your flowers are wilting now.
but I’ll give you snow, she begged..
I have to go,
to where the air smells like a million treasures,
and the children play… to the green meadows .. to the land of oblivion..
he decided.
Cold in his posture, he gave her a kiss on the cheek
and they walked ..
she stood as the train left,
as she waved, he wept..
she smiled,
she knew she had planted her seed…
she knew she will haunt him forever…
First caresses of autumn calmly
sneak into her flesh this crisp morning …
Through curled lashes
she looks at the white
and wonders what happened to the blue,
as she waits for you,
to come home
Seasons have turned
She still has not unlearned
That this love remains and stands true
She digs out her old memories
Her old songs and stories
Her black box
Yours will always be untitled poems
Broken letters
Broken by time
She listens to her favorite singer and wonders
Was it truly unclear this woman
was on the verge of death
this world can be so blind
despair was hardly hidden in that woman's words
like love drips out of hers
She almost can smell your skin
Under the fresh morning dew
her chalk-white skin crumbles
of excitement of what is to come
and under the tree two more boxes
She tied her hair and tied her fate to yours
The day she loved you is the day she close all doors
once again living and giving …
and once again,
it takes the audacity of a woman
but sometimes it takes two ...
sneak into her flesh this crisp morning …
Through curled lashes
she looks at the white
and wonders what happened to the blue,
as she waits for you,
to come home
Seasons have turned
She still has not unlearned
That this love remains and stands true
She digs out her old memories
Her old songs and stories
Her black box
Yours will always be untitled poems
Broken letters
Broken by time
She listens to her favorite singer and wonders
Was it truly unclear this woman
was on the verge of death
this world can be so blind
despair was hardly hidden in that woman's words
like love drips out of hers
She almost can smell your skin
Under the fresh morning dew
her chalk-white skin crumbles
of excitement of what is to come
and under the tree two more boxes
She tied her hair and tied her fate to yours
The day she loved you is the day she close all doors
once again living and giving …
and once again,
it takes the audacity of a woman
but sometimes it takes two ...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Genetic speed dating
I think couples genetic counseling should include a phylogenetic tree where the lineages can be spread as much as possible. Imagine that?! It turns out, we are driven by pheromones after all and it is genetically determined ..
"Preferences for mates that possess genes dissimilar to one's own at the major histocompatibility complex (MHC), a polymorphic group of loci associated with the immune system, have been found in mice, birds, fish, and humans. These preferences may help individuals choose genetically compatible mates and may adaptively function to prevent inbreeding or to increase heterozygosity and thereby immunocompetence of offspring. MHC-dissimilar mate preferences may influence the psychology of sexual attraction. We investigated whether MHC similarity among romantically involved couples (N= 48) predicted aspects of their sexual relationship. All women in our sample normally ovulated, and alleles at three MHC loci were typed for each person. As the proportion of MHC alleles couples shared increased, women's sexual responsivity to their partners decreased, their number of extrapair sexual partners increased, and their attraction to men other than their primary partners increased, particularly during the fertile phase of their cycles."
http://www3.interscience.wiley.com/journal/118597273/abstract?CRETRY=1&SRETRY=0
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Gaza and the world: Will things ever change?
By Ramzy Baroud
"In times of crisis, most Arabs watch the news. Sometimes it’s comforting for the truth to be stated the way it is, with all of its gory and unsettling details, without blemishes and without censorship. When Israel carried out massive air strikes against Gaza on Saturday, December 27, terrorizing an already hostage and malnourished population, I too tuned in to Arab satellite channels.
Within seconds I learned of the tally: 290 deaths and climbing, with 700 more wounded, all in one day. But as dramatic as this event may have seemed – the highest Israeli inflicted death toll in one day in Palestine since Israel’s establishment in 1948 – there was nothing new to learn. Tragedies anywhere - natural or manmade – tend to lead to social, cultural, economic and political upheavals, revolutions even, that somehow alter the social, cultural, economic and ultimately political landscapes in the affected regions, save in Palestine.
I gazed pointlessly at the screen. Learning of the aftermath of such tragedies seems more of a ritual than a purposeful habit. The Arab and international responses to the killings can only serve as a reminder of how ineffectual and irrelevant, if not complacent their timid mutterings are.
Once again the US blamed Palestinians, and the Hamas “thugs” using words that defy logic, such as “Israel has the right to defend itself.” The statement remains as ludicrous as ever, for a country like Israel with an army that possesses the world’s most lethal weapons, including nuclear arms, cannot possibly feel threatened by an imprisoned population whose only defense mechanism are fertilizer-based homemade rockets. While Israel has killed and wounded thousands of Palestinians in Gaza (one thousand on Saturday alone) a handful of Israelis have reportedly died as a direct result of the Palestinian rockets in years. Do numbers matter at all?
European governments chose their words carefully, “expressing concern”, “calling on Israel to use restraint” and so on. Arab governments were, as usual, distracted with trivialities, protocols and easily lost sight of the crisis at hand.
Then, the same, ever predictable outbursts began. Passionate callers from all over the world called various TV and radio stations in the Middle East and shouted, yelled, cried, vented, called on God, called on Arab leaders, called on all of those with “living conscience” to do something. In turn, audiences too cried at home as they listened to the heated commentary and watched footage of heaps of Palestinian bodies throughout the Gaza Strip.
The passion soon spilled to the streets of Arab capitals, of course under the ever-vigilant eyes of Arab police and secret services. Flags of U.S. and Israel, and in some cases Egypt were sat ablaze along with effigies of Bush and Israeli leaders.
‘Rising up to the occasion’ some Arab governments declared, with much hype their intention to send an airplane or two of medicine and food to Gaza, a few boxes clad with the donor country’s flag, flashed endlessly on local media. Meanwhile, news reports spoke of Palestinians attempting to flee the Gaza prison into the Sinai desert. They were met with decisive Egyptian security presence at the border.
Strangely enough, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas remained faithful to the script, despite Gaza’s unprecedented tragedy. On Sunday, he blamed Hamas for the bloodbath. "We talked to them (Hamas) and we told them, 'please, we ask you, do not end the truce. Let the truce continue and not stop", so that we could have avoided what happened."
Was Mr. Abbas informed of the fact that Hamas hasn’t carried out one suicide bombing since 2005? Or that the ‘truce’ never compelled Israel to allow Palestinians in Gaza access to basic necessities and medicine? Or that it was Israel that attacked Gaza in November, killing several people, claiming that it obtained information of a secret Hamas plot?
Even stranger that while Abbas has chosen such a position, many Israelis are not convinced that the war on Gaza was at all related to the Hamas’ rockets, and is in fact an election ploy for desperate politicians vying for Israel’s dominating right wing vote in the upcoming February elections. In fact, the Israeli design against Gaza had little to do with the ‘escalation’ of the rocket attacks of mid December.
"Long-term preparation, careful gathering of information, secret discussions, operational deception and the misleading of the public - all these stood behind the Israel Defense Forces "Cast Lead" operation against Hamas targets in the Gaza Strip," wrote the Israeli daily newspaper Haaretz on December 28, which also revealed that the plan had been in effect for six months.
"Like the U.S. assault on Iraq and the Israeli response to the abduction of IDF reservists Eldad Regev and Ehud Goldwasser at the outset of the Second Lebanon War, little to no weight was apparently devoted to the question of harming innocent civilians," said Haaretz.
And why should Israel devote a moment to the question of harming civilians or violating international law or any such seemingly irrelevant notions – as far as Israel is concerned - as long as their “Palestinian partners”, the Arab League, or the international community continue to teeter between silence, complacency, rhetoric and inaction?
By Thursday, January 1, the death toll climbed to 420, according to Palestinian medics and news reports, and over 2000 wounded. A doctor from a Khan Yunis clinic in Gaza told me on the phone, “scores of the wounded are clinically dead. Others are so badly disfigured; I felt that death is of greater mercy for them than living. We had no more room at the Qarara Clinic. Body parts cluttered the hallways. People screamed in endless agony and we had not enough medicine or pain killers. So we had to choose which ones to treat and which not to. In that moment I genuinely wished I was killed in the Israeli strikes myself, but I kept running trying to do something, anything.”
Until Arab countries and nations translate their chants and condemnations into a practical and meaningful political action that can bring an end to the Israeli onslaughts against Palestinians, all that is likely to change are the numbers of dead and wounded. But still, one has to wonder if Israel kills a thousand more, ten thousand, or half of Gaza, will the US still blame Palestinians? Will Egypt open its Gaza border? Will Europe express the same “deep concern”? Will the Arabs issue the same redundant statements? Will things ever change? Ever?"
As i read this, a well-coiffed female CNN reporter asks a chief palestinian negotiator who is askign for a cease-fire, "you were given 6 months of cease-fire and you still had political divides between Hamas and the palestinian authorities so why should you be given another cease-fire?"
Anyone else finds this question insane? Is stopping the kilings and the atrocities a luxury that this largely irrelevant reporter cannot grant?
I don't think anything will even change. I might live to see the end of this, or not. I might witness a total ethnic cleansing of the Palestinian race but like Baroud said, even is a thousand, tens of thousands are killed, even when no Palestinian flags are allowed in the anti-war protests by the Israeli government, even when nothing is been done, how do you wipe out a nation? how do you kill a culture? a history? you simply cannot. There will always be a Palestine as long as there are Palestinians. Palestine will always be in our hearts and in our culture and in our conscience.
After all the Jews are living proof that you cannot wipe a people, are they not?
By Ramzy Baroud
"In times of crisis, most Arabs watch the news. Sometimes it’s comforting for the truth to be stated the way it is, with all of its gory and unsettling details, without blemishes and without censorship. When Israel carried out massive air strikes against Gaza on Saturday, December 27, terrorizing an already hostage and malnourished population, I too tuned in to Arab satellite channels.
Within seconds I learned of the tally: 290 deaths and climbing, with 700 more wounded, all in one day. But as dramatic as this event may have seemed – the highest Israeli inflicted death toll in one day in Palestine since Israel’s establishment in 1948 – there was nothing new to learn. Tragedies anywhere - natural or manmade – tend to lead to social, cultural, economic and political upheavals, revolutions even, that somehow alter the social, cultural, economic and ultimately political landscapes in the affected regions, save in Palestine.
I gazed pointlessly at the screen. Learning of the aftermath of such tragedies seems more of a ritual than a purposeful habit. The Arab and international responses to the killings can only serve as a reminder of how ineffectual and irrelevant, if not complacent their timid mutterings are.
Once again the US blamed Palestinians, and the Hamas “thugs” using words that defy logic, such as “Israel has the right to defend itself.” The statement remains as ludicrous as ever, for a country like Israel with an army that possesses the world’s most lethal weapons, including nuclear arms, cannot possibly feel threatened by an imprisoned population whose only defense mechanism are fertilizer-based homemade rockets. While Israel has killed and wounded thousands of Palestinians in Gaza (one thousand on Saturday alone) a handful of Israelis have reportedly died as a direct result of the Palestinian rockets in years. Do numbers matter at all?
European governments chose their words carefully, “expressing concern”, “calling on Israel to use restraint” and so on. Arab governments were, as usual, distracted with trivialities, protocols and easily lost sight of the crisis at hand.
Then, the same, ever predictable outbursts began. Passionate callers from all over the world called various TV and radio stations in the Middle East and shouted, yelled, cried, vented, called on God, called on Arab leaders, called on all of those with “living conscience” to do something. In turn, audiences too cried at home as they listened to the heated commentary and watched footage of heaps of Palestinian bodies throughout the Gaza Strip.
The passion soon spilled to the streets of Arab capitals, of course under the ever-vigilant eyes of Arab police and secret services. Flags of U.S. and Israel, and in some cases Egypt were sat ablaze along with effigies of Bush and Israeli leaders.
‘Rising up to the occasion’ some Arab governments declared, with much hype their intention to send an airplane or two of medicine and food to Gaza, a few boxes clad with the donor country’s flag, flashed endlessly on local media. Meanwhile, news reports spoke of Palestinians attempting to flee the Gaza prison into the Sinai desert. They were met with decisive Egyptian security presence at the border.
Strangely enough, Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas remained faithful to the script, despite Gaza’s unprecedented tragedy. On Sunday, he blamed Hamas for the bloodbath. "We talked to them (Hamas) and we told them, 'please, we ask you, do not end the truce. Let the truce continue and not stop", so that we could have avoided what happened."
Was Mr. Abbas informed of the fact that Hamas hasn’t carried out one suicide bombing since 2005? Or that the ‘truce’ never compelled Israel to allow Palestinians in Gaza access to basic necessities and medicine? Or that it was Israel that attacked Gaza in November, killing several people, claiming that it obtained information of a secret Hamas plot?
Even stranger that while Abbas has chosen such a position, many Israelis are not convinced that the war on Gaza was at all related to the Hamas’ rockets, and is in fact an election ploy for desperate politicians vying for Israel’s dominating right wing vote in the upcoming February elections. In fact, the Israeli design against Gaza had little to do with the ‘escalation’ of the rocket attacks of mid December.
"Long-term preparation, careful gathering of information, secret discussions, operational deception and the misleading of the public - all these stood behind the Israel Defense Forces "Cast Lead" operation against Hamas targets in the Gaza Strip," wrote the Israeli daily newspaper Haaretz on December 28, which also revealed that the plan had been in effect for six months.
"Like the U.S. assault on Iraq and the Israeli response to the abduction of IDF reservists Eldad Regev and Ehud Goldwasser at the outset of the Second Lebanon War, little to no weight was apparently devoted to the question of harming innocent civilians," said Haaretz.
And why should Israel devote a moment to the question of harming civilians or violating international law or any such seemingly irrelevant notions – as far as Israel is concerned - as long as their “Palestinian partners”, the Arab League, or the international community continue to teeter between silence, complacency, rhetoric and inaction?
By Thursday, January 1, the death toll climbed to 420, according to Palestinian medics and news reports, and over 2000 wounded. A doctor from a Khan Yunis clinic in Gaza told me on the phone, “scores of the wounded are clinically dead. Others are so badly disfigured; I felt that death is of greater mercy for them than living. We had no more room at the Qarara Clinic. Body parts cluttered the hallways. People screamed in endless agony and we had not enough medicine or pain killers. So we had to choose which ones to treat and which not to. In that moment I genuinely wished I was killed in the Israeli strikes myself, but I kept running trying to do something, anything.”
Until Arab countries and nations translate their chants and condemnations into a practical and meaningful political action that can bring an end to the Israeli onslaughts against Palestinians, all that is likely to change are the numbers of dead and wounded. But still, one has to wonder if Israel kills a thousand more, ten thousand, or half of Gaza, will the US still blame Palestinians? Will Egypt open its Gaza border? Will Europe express the same “deep concern”? Will the Arabs issue the same redundant statements? Will things ever change? Ever?"
As i read this, a well-coiffed female CNN reporter asks a chief palestinian negotiator who is askign for a cease-fire, "you were given 6 months of cease-fire and you still had political divides between Hamas and the palestinian authorities so why should you be given another cease-fire?"
Anyone else finds this question insane? Is stopping the kilings and the atrocities a luxury that this largely irrelevant reporter cannot grant?
I don't think anything will even change. I might live to see the end of this, or not. I might witness a total ethnic cleansing of the Palestinian race but like Baroud said, even is a thousand, tens of thousands are killed, even when no Palestinian flags are allowed in the anti-war protests by the Israeli government, even when nothing is been done, how do you wipe out a nation? how do you kill a culture? a history? you simply cannot. There will always be a Palestine as long as there are Palestinians. Palestine will always be in our hearts and in our culture and in our conscience.
After all the Jews are living proof that you cannot wipe a people, are they not?
Friday, January 02, 2009
Back there ...
Back frozen on the net, surfing for news, trying to get some work done but aching ..
I am tired of this, i am physically tired of this ..
I cannot look away.
I woke up, the tv was still on since yesterday, i cleaned my face and cleaned my face and cleaned my face, lait, toner, lait, what else do i have ..
I do those compulsive things when i want to feel more in control.. I cleaned my face but i don't remember looking into my face, and then i started cleaning the house .. and cleaning ... I have some exams to correct. The semester is almost over. I have to write the final exams and i have around 8 lectures left to prepare in each class. I have to update the system too. All the new typing. People are asking for results and i cannot fall behind schedule. I have to finish writing this paper. Why is the kitchen floor all wet? I should reorganize my closets and set up next week's appointments. Let's see, there's the Armenian expedition .. That spa day thing i got, i don't have time for that .. maybe i'll give it to someone but i do need it .. I have to go to Beirut sometime next week. My brakes are still busted and i still have to go to the bank. *Mental note = don't lose your mind*. That lady gave me all these creams to use every day, what is she nuts? I don't have that kind of time, i have a job, but she said my skin is suffering .. I miss my nephews. How come i'm 31? All the sitcoms with the cool people we like were younger, friends and that new one.. Seinfeld, i think they were over 30.. but still 31!! maybe i should use those creams.. i have to do that MRI sometime soon too *mental note, call the insurance company*. I need light bulbs and a man to fix them. I have gained weight. I hate winter. those pants used to fit when i was in san diego, that wasn't a long time ago. i should lose weight. maybe i'll try that yogurt diet again. i just need to exercise again. but i don't have time for this.. i need to fix my hair before Thursday *make an appointment with the hairdresser*. I need to change hairdresser since i cried at mine last time i was there. shit. Let's see what's on the news. I can get to all this crap tomorrow. I'll start with that diet now.. or maybe put the yogurt on my face..
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Tzipi Livni, said that there is "no humanitarian crisis in the Gaza Strip"
She rejected a 48-hour cease-fire to allow humanitarian aid to enter the Gaza Strip, saying that Israel keeps the humanitarian situation..... Ready?
"completely as it should be" by distinguishing between soldiers and civilians.
"Health officials in Gaza say at least 400 people have been killed during Israel's six-day assault on Hamas. The United Nations estimates that about one-quarter of those killed were civilians" (i saw the pictures of the wounded children on cbs news). "One-point-five million Gazans are left with little food or supplies".
She rejected a 48-hour cease-fire to allow humanitarian aid to enter the Gaza Strip, saying that Israel keeps the humanitarian situation..... Ready?
"completely as it should be" by distinguishing between soldiers and civilians.
"Health officials in Gaza say at least 400 people have been killed during Israel's six-day assault on Hamas. The United Nations estimates that about one-quarter of those killed were civilians" (i saw the pictures of the wounded children on cbs news). "One-point-five million Gazans are left with little food or supplies".
Saturday, November 01, 2008
It's finally out!
http://download.cell.com/AJHG/pdf/PIIS0002929708005478.pdf?intermediate=true
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/31/science/31genes.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7700356.stm
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SCI_PHOENICIANS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT
http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSTRE49T8AL20081030
http://download.cell.com/AJHG/pdf/PIIS0002929708005478.pdf?intermediate=true
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/31/science/31genes.html
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/7700356.stm
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/S/SCI_PHOENICIANS?SITE=AP&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT
http://www.reuters.com/article/scienceNews/idUSTRE49T8AL20081030
Monday, September 15, 2008
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Ephemeral soul bouts
There are times when I am excited about my hair, my job, the people around me, when I cook, I read, I write, I dance and there are times when I just cease to .. live … I just collapse onto myself and I start obsessing about all the mistakes I had done in my life, all the people I wronged, all the opportunities lost … It is not consolation enough anymore to think that other people go through the same periods of inexistence. It is certainly not relevant to my daily life to think of all the madness and misery in the world and I certainly do not feel blessed by comparison. People who do, in my opinion, are self-absorbed disillusioned small-minded pricks. If anything the collective despair in the world nowadays adds to my little circle of hopelessness and the guilt adds to my self-loathing and helplessness.
I never have the tolerance for bringing the metaphysical into my life in order to reconcile with the universe, never believe in self-help life styles, and I make fun of people who insert an abstract vocabulary in their sentences as a way to find excuses or reasons for their unhappiness or lack of purpose or lack of .. well.. living. My friend brought me ‘the secret’ on DVD to make me sit down and listen, having dismissed all of his attempts to quote to me from the book over the phone. He knows that I tend to worry a lot and tend to be negative even to the point of being deeply suspicious of what other people might perceive as happiness or even success, it is my curse .. I keep items in the fridge that normally are perfectly fine at room temperature because I would be anxious otherwise. I procrastinate because I am afraid of facing failure, because I am afraid of facing success … and I live in guilt.
‘The secret’ just pissed me off. It basically goes back to tell you that any misfortune in your life is your fault because you have summoned the negative thoughts that, according to the concept, materialize into your actual life. What a load of crap. It made me mad. One of the main exercises to live by the rules of ‘the secret’ is to make a visual board, where you have pictures that represent goals you want to achieve and things you want to acquire, and according to ‘the secret’ you should be able to obtain those things if you put them ‘out there’ in ‘the universe’.
I’m so sick and tired of people trying to find reasons for why we are not happy. I’m sick and tired of the exploitation of the self-help and the self-improvement business, the affirmative attitude, the books , the seminars, the people on tv whining because they’re single or broke or because they’re sloppy or lazy … Doesn’t it always go back to the same thing, the same question, the same reason for feeling lost and unfulfilled? The same disappointment faced with shackles that anchor our soul, shackles and responsibilities and commitments we willingly fell into in order to feel more relevant in this world. We are trapped when we think we’re not and we are sad when we think we’re not and we are not living when we think we are, and we need ‘the secret’ to explain that? We are trapped. We are slaves to the everyday rhythm, to the acceptable weight, the acceptable shade, the respectable bank account or title or power. We cannot but remain ‘connected’ on virtual venues and 3D virtual venues and venues about virtual venues fearing to fall out of ‘life’ or the life that someone had convinced us we should have. We look at photos of current friends and previous friends and feel inferior and not nearly happy enough. We feel lonely. We run to achieve a crust, a crust of glamour, a layer of shine. Stuck in half-finished projects, half-finished relationships, in the quest for the most intimidating look, the most prestigious hobby and sadly the most empowering charity case. Stuck in a shape for life, a grammar for a society, a calendar.
Our calendar has become our ‘visual board’. Our calendar includes no more dreams, no more aspirations but appointments and commitments and steps on the quest towards social acceptance. We need to feel relevant and the best forms we have come up with yet are organized traditions and religions and fanaticism and conformity. In societies where individualism became the structure of societies, we lost track of what should drive us and so we became collective consumers of similar foods and similar thoughts and similar ideas, albeit behind closed doors and in a more lonely fashion. The self-help crap is just another form of organized thought.
The human soul that suffers. I have decided to call soul that thing that keeps us hoping. That extra thing, the extra twinkle in our eyes when we cease to just be, when we get to live. We suffer even more intensely because we have known a time when we were not suffering. Because we miss the bouts of our ephemeral souls. We live in nostalgia to moments where we felt our soul awakening. Same in love. Same in every human emotion. When we love and lose, we grab onto those memories and we suffer because we miss the bouts of our soul. We live on the memory of loving ourselves and of simply living when allowed for a soul awakening. We hold on and not let go and try to cram the memory into our present life, faced with the possibility of another stretch of empty soul.
There’s really no answer and people who do not relate to any of that also piss me off. The people who live just blissfully on the surface of life, perfectly content with their small achievements and small thoughts .. you know .. the lucky ones!
I miss my soul these days.
I’ll just wait for a stimulus to bring it back. In the meantime, I go on automatically, I cease to live, I cease to celebrate the days … it’s ok .. it only makes the next adventure more interesting …
So I put up a ‘visual board’, on it is my picture smiling …
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
June
She stepped on some rotten leaves on her way to see him.. she stopped in her track to wipe her shoes.. she had her new white scandals on to go with her summer look.. she ran to the back to freshen up.. on her way to the wash room, she saw her reflection in the mirror.. something caught her eye and her intrigue.. for the first time in her life she was not sure of what she looked at.. for the first time she did not like what she saw.. someone odd was looking back at her.. a stranger.. She ran tens of scenarios in her head of a life together, of days with loved ones and laughter and nights of longing, of work and happiness and sorrows and effort to keep going on.. she suddenly collapsed.. and ran home…
Milky spills in the wedges of her tiles fade out
Sutured letters stitched in her blanket wear out
The charcoal lines on her face hide your trace
Hide her stories her turning every night
She closes her palm hides your scent in her arms
If she cannot need you she will not ...
The June rays dribble down the days, slowly
The shine in her hair falls down slowly
Color climbs onto her cheeks and onto the creases of her neck
She evens the plights in her mind and her life slips into a wreck
Her pillow case drips in bits of her memories pieces of her soul
She had always been forgetful ...
If she does not find you she will shed her skin
She will plow her light her compass from within
Your face will mystify but your name will echo through
You are there as she fights through
And when she tucks the sun away, washes the salt from her hair
As she finds herself again
She will find you
If she cannot need you
she will not
but love you she will ...
She stepped on some rotten leaves on her way to see him.. she stopped in her track to wipe her shoes.. she had her new white scandals on to go with her summer look.. she ran to the back to freshen up.. on her way to the wash room, she saw her reflection in the mirror.. something caught her eye and her intrigue.. for the first time in her life she was not sure of what she looked at.. for the first time she did not like what she saw.. someone odd was looking back at her.. a stranger.. She ran tens of scenarios in her head of a life together, of days with loved ones and laughter and nights of longing, of work and happiness and sorrows and effort to keep going on.. she suddenly collapsed.. and ran home…
Milky spills in the wedges of her tiles fade out
Sutured letters stitched in her blanket wear out
The charcoal lines on her face hide your trace
Hide her stories her turning every night
She closes her palm hides your scent in her arms
If she cannot need you she will not ...
The June rays dribble down the days, slowly
The shine in her hair falls down slowly
Color climbs onto her cheeks and onto the creases of her neck
She evens the plights in her mind and her life slips into a wreck
Her pillow case drips in bits of her memories pieces of her soul
She had always been forgetful ...
If she does not find you she will shed her skin
She will plow her light her compass from within
Your face will mystify but your name will echo through
You are there as she fights through
And when she tucks the sun away, washes the salt from her hair
As she finds herself again
She will find you
If she cannot need you
she will not
but love you she will ...
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The day after ....
The storm seems to have passed. I have no idea how and why and for what reasons those who have died or suffered just did ... Since i don't know why things have worked out, i have no way of knowing if it will presist .. Maybe we have to hope Syria and Israel "indirect" negotiations work so that we can have this summer ...
We are capable of healing like no other people and capable of living when given the chance ...
Some pictures a day after the "demonstration" in downtown had ceased and a day before the "election"
my baby sister
2 hours of traffic to get to downtown Beirut
All the cafes were full .. you had to wait for half an hour to get a table anywhere..
All the beaches and resorts that weekend were full capacity..
Street traffic in Beirut
And i went out drinking and dancing for the first time in almost a year.. No reason to celebrate .. Just drinking away the stress of the past days and reloading for another round of insanity..
Oh let's just laugh and be silly for now ..
let's try to look fresh and put together
let's celebrate old beirut and new beirut
let's try and leave that Lebanese cynicism and pessimism behind for one season ..
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Two years and some ...
So what becomes of her .. Your love
When it gets dark and her head falls resting, far from the light,
When a moment of bliss dissipates in the dark,
When the waves shatter explode splatter
Absolutely no where
When the lack of screams squeeze her heart
With despair
What becomes of years,
Alone, in life, out there,
When the images fade and the soul of her soul wilts away
When rays of dryness melt away
Leaving tracks of deafness of colorless days
What becomes of a whisper, a smile, a face
Notches in the fabric of time
Shades that creep away
What will become of her
Will you still love her?
Two years and some since i started writing, since i started hoping to keep you close,
since i gave myself the right to keep you alive through my words ...
Two years and some ...
I have been waiting ...
So what becomes of her .. Your love
When it gets dark and her head falls resting, far from the light,
When a moment of bliss dissipates in the dark,
When the waves shatter explode splatter
Absolutely no where
When the lack of screams squeeze her heart
With despair
What becomes of years,
Alone, in life, out there,
When the images fade and the soul of her soul wilts away
When rays of dryness melt away
Leaving tracks of deafness of colorless days
What becomes of a whisper, a smile, a face
Notches in the fabric of time
Shades that creep away
What will become of her
Will you still love her?
Two years and some since i started writing, since i started hoping to keep you close,
since i gave myself the right to keep you alive through my words ...
Two years and some ...
I have been waiting ...
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Round one!
It seems that it had passed. Those who died died. Those who stayed are only more depressed and frustrated and feel a little more worthless. Those who were contemplating coming back to this country are now thinking twice. Boys and girls that belong to the social and intellectual ranks, we would all be richer and luckier having them come back and invest what they learned and what they are able to achieve in this country, are now, again, hesitating. People i was proud when i met, human rights activists, human rights lawyers, scientists, writers, thinkers and even diplomats, the Lebanese expariates who will now almost live and die in the hope of a chance of rebuilding their country. People who should, they are the ones who should, invade our culture and invade our streets and our hearts, and not the aspects of violence and backwardness.
On a positive note, it had indeed calmed down. I know how worried we usually are when we are stuck outside of Lebanon feeling totally helpless, so do not worry. It was another political hiccup, let's call it that, and it's dissolving as we speak.
The 'fitne' already happened? Something leaders are chanting, as if a sectarian split is another bargaining card right now, as if one side could be threatened without the other. As if the leaders are threatening with death and destruction that will reach each and everyone of us. They cannot possibly mean that. We cannot possibly come out of each others' hearts. We cannot hate anyone, let alone the people we grew up with, our families, our partners, our neighbors (neighbors in Lebanon had taken a negative connotation with Syria and Israel being our neighbors, but i mean your neighbor who will protect your home when you're weak) and people we share a language, a history, a culture and a country with.
We do not and will not hate each other under any command and never for any leader! What will we be left with if we did?
I don't know, let's try ..
It seems that it had passed. Those who died died. Those who stayed are only more depressed and frustrated and feel a little more worthless. Those who were contemplating coming back to this country are now thinking twice. Boys and girls that belong to the social and intellectual ranks, we would all be richer and luckier having them come back and invest what they learned and what they are able to achieve in this country, are now, again, hesitating. People i was proud when i met, human rights activists, human rights lawyers, scientists, writers, thinkers and even diplomats, the Lebanese expariates who will now almost live and die in the hope of a chance of rebuilding their country. People who should, they are the ones who should, invade our culture and invade our streets and our hearts, and not the aspects of violence and backwardness.
On a positive note, it had indeed calmed down. I know how worried we usually are when we are stuck outside of Lebanon feeling totally helpless, so do not worry. It was another political hiccup, let's call it that, and it's dissolving as we speak.
The 'fitne' already happened? Something leaders are chanting, as if a sectarian split is another bargaining card right now, as if one side could be threatened without the other. As if the leaders are threatening with death and destruction that will reach each and everyone of us. They cannot possibly mean that. We cannot possibly come out of each others' hearts. We cannot hate anyone, let alone the people we grew up with, our families, our partners, our neighbors (neighbors in Lebanon had taken a negative connotation with Syria and Israel being our neighbors, but i mean your neighbor who will protect your home when you're weak) and people we share a language, a history, a culture and a country with.
We do not and will not hate each other under any command and never for any leader! What will we be left with if we did?
I don't know, let's try ..
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The USSCole is coming back to the Mediterranean
Typical American manoeuvre.
I find it curious that the policies in Syria shifted after Assad the father, leading to a manifestation of these policies (assassinations in political figures in Lebanon/reinvention of some old symbols/Militia-based forces in the region) that is totally in-sync with the manifestation of the American policies in the region.
I find it curious that the Americans are staging a state of fundemental clash with Iran while they seem to work harmoniously over the split of benefits with the Iranis in Iraqs. At the same time, the major benificiary of instating Iran as a major Arabic enemy and threat is the US arm trade. I find it interesting that Iran (along with its allies) is playing along.
Who knows? Who cares?
What i am saying is either it is very obvious or very wrong or very well the opposite.
The drive, however, is always money. Such as the contractors and the oil in Iraq. Such as the American arm industry. I just find it sad that in this day and age, we still lose life for more money and that the wars are always engineered in our part of the globe, as if it is easier to sell to the public opinion since we are already labeled as barbarians.
I do not see a future war in between Sicily and Sardinia to keep the American arm money going. After all, western countries are too busy advancing humanity. For that, wars should never end on our side and our reasons to start wars will always be encouraged and stressed upon.
Eastern Europe is impoverished, African states have their fair share of disasters and the post-USSR world and the -stan world is left under check. The 'civilized' west is compliant and in fear, the 'moderate' Arabic states are good investments which leaves China and North Korea for future uses ...
Our region is keeping the money flow for now. The tools, the collaborates ... Who cares? the political scene changes all the time. In the meantime, the victims are always the same.
My first observation when i first started interacting with Americans was that they are not very well-rounded as far as politics went. I think this is blissfull. They did not care much because they did not need to. Because they would never find themselves having to be directly involved in individual conflicts to defend some political party. This is mainly because they are not driven by ideologies or tribal feelings. We are. We care about politics. I wish we cared less. I wish we knew less. Americans are sadly now driven by blind nationalism in the post-9/11 world, towards war. It is always the ignorant bunch, the poor bunch, the desperate bunch.
Ideologies, racism, nationalism, religion, just mere hate .. reasons to kill each other, to destroy each other's homes and streets and hopes, to want to humitiate each other ..
Forget about all what i said. Forget about Conspiracies and about politics all together.
I want to believe that HA, albeit financially supported by Iran, is a mere resistance movement that wants to free Palestine or defend Lebanon in the future against possible Israeli invasion etc. Let's say this is the case (which is something i had believed in for a while). Taken all this as 'fact' if you will and after what HA did these past days, i do not want it as Lebanese resistance. Why should i live with such threat to be prepared in the event of another. why do i have to harbor a power that turned against me? against my home? against the street that raised me?
Why do i have to accept a political side, a resistance, that does not give me a choice, better yet, that condemns any alternative opinion i might have and considers it reason to persecute me and threaten my well-being, leaving no room for tolerance and understanding, reminiscent of the perpetrator this resistance opposes. Why can't i choose how to fight? Why am i belittled if i did not share the same ideology? Why do i have to respect their titles when they do not respect my life? Why can't i fight, as a human being, with my mind? Why can't we build consistently towards a culture, towards winning? Why are we not allowed to learn from our mistakes? Why are the children being raised on divides, on hate? Why do they raise future generations ready and willing to fight and to follow blindly, if they do not plan on keeping us in the dark and keeping us fighting each other for their gain? Why don't they raise minds like others did?
Why do i have to turn to politicians to know if i will be able to go to work the next day, if i will be able to leave the country if i want to, come back to my country and not be trapped in some foreign country that, soon, would want to expell me, if my nephews will be able to sleep in their beds, to sleep, if they will go to their schools, if i will be able to follow up on my medical treatment, if i will get paid ..
Why are we to be kept weak? kept silent, kept hypnotized, kept distracted, kept busy kept stupid. Why are we kept small? kept divided?
Why is my life made wortheless?
Typical American manoeuvre.
I find it curious that the policies in Syria shifted after Assad the father, leading to a manifestation of these policies (assassinations in political figures in Lebanon/reinvention of some old symbols/Militia-based forces in the region) that is totally in-sync with the manifestation of the American policies in the region.
I find it curious that the Americans are staging a state of fundemental clash with Iran while they seem to work harmoniously over the split of benefits with the Iranis in Iraqs. At the same time, the major benificiary of instating Iran as a major Arabic enemy and threat is the US arm trade. I find it interesting that Iran (along with its allies) is playing along.
Who knows? Who cares?
What i am saying is either it is very obvious or very wrong or very well the opposite.
The drive, however, is always money. Such as the contractors and the oil in Iraq. Such as the American arm industry. I just find it sad that in this day and age, we still lose life for more money and that the wars are always engineered in our part of the globe, as if it is easier to sell to the public opinion since we are already labeled as barbarians.
I do not see a future war in between Sicily and Sardinia to keep the American arm money going. After all, western countries are too busy advancing humanity. For that, wars should never end on our side and our reasons to start wars will always be encouraged and stressed upon.
Eastern Europe is impoverished, African states have their fair share of disasters and the post-USSR world and the -stan world is left under check. The 'civilized' west is compliant and in fear, the 'moderate' Arabic states are good investments which leaves China and North Korea for future uses ...
Our region is keeping the money flow for now. The tools, the collaborates ... Who cares? the political scene changes all the time. In the meantime, the victims are always the same.
My first observation when i first started interacting with Americans was that they are not very well-rounded as far as politics went. I think this is blissfull. They did not care much because they did not need to. Because they would never find themselves having to be directly involved in individual conflicts to defend some political party. This is mainly because they are not driven by ideologies or tribal feelings. We are. We care about politics. I wish we cared less. I wish we knew less. Americans are sadly now driven by blind nationalism in the post-9/11 world, towards war. It is always the ignorant bunch, the poor bunch, the desperate bunch.
Ideologies, racism, nationalism, religion, just mere hate .. reasons to kill each other, to destroy each other's homes and streets and hopes, to want to humitiate each other ..
Forget about all what i said. Forget about Conspiracies and about politics all together.
I want to believe that HA, albeit financially supported by Iran, is a mere resistance movement that wants to free Palestine or defend Lebanon in the future against possible Israeli invasion etc. Let's say this is the case (which is something i had believed in for a while). Taken all this as 'fact' if you will and after what HA did these past days, i do not want it as Lebanese resistance. Why should i live with such threat to be prepared in the event of another. why do i have to harbor a power that turned against me? against my home? against the street that raised me?
Why do i have to accept a political side, a resistance, that does not give me a choice, better yet, that condemns any alternative opinion i might have and considers it reason to persecute me and threaten my well-being, leaving no room for tolerance and understanding, reminiscent of the perpetrator this resistance opposes. Why can't i choose how to fight? Why am i belittled if i did not share the same ideology? Why do i have to respect their titles when they do not respect my life? Why can't i fight, as a human being, with my mind? Why can't we build consistently towards a culture, towards winning? Why are we not allowed to learn from our mistakes? Why are the children being raised on divides, on hate? Why do they raise future generations ready and willing to fight and to follow blindly, if they do not plan on keeping us in the dark and keeping us fighting each other for their gain? Why don't they raise minds like others did?
Why do i have to turn to politicians to know if i will be able to go to work the next day, if i will be able to leave the country if i want to, come back to my country and not be trapped in some foreign country that, soon, would want to expell me, if my nephews will be able to sleep in their beds, to sleep, if they will go to their schools, if i will be able to follow up on my medical treatment, if i will get paid ..
Why are we to be kept weak? kept silent, kept hypnotized, kept distracted, kept busy kept stupid. Why are we kept small? kept divided?
Why is my life made wortheless?
Friday, May 09, 2008
During the war last summer, i cried the most when i heard that the Baalbek ruins are being threatened.
Not equally dramatic but equally tragic, it seems that all the archives of future tv got totally destroyed! (18 years worth of records)
Some local treasures, including history in all it forms, belong to no one to destroy. It is far more important than any of us.
Not equally dramatic but equally tragic, it seems that all the archives of future tv got totally destroyed! (18 years worth of records)
Some local treasures, including history in all it forms, belong to no one to destroy. It is far more important than any of us.
Discussing the Palestinian cause with Israelis was always hard on me. I always found their rhetoric to be exhausting but it always helped, at least for the sake of keeping my sanity, to go back to the basics. To go back to the facts, away from propaganda and inflammatory name calling and useless history lessons.
To me, it was always easy and logical to try and set a platform of commonly accepted undisputed facts, in the hope of reaching some common understanding.
The equation was that unfairness and a bullying attitude had to emanate from power:
Fact: Israel is obviously more powerful and it exercises a very tight control over Palestinians.
Fact: Israel had launched wider scale attacks on its opponents.
Fact: Israel had trespassed to land given to the Palestinians by UN resolutions.
Fact: Israel had controlled the media inside Israel/Palestine and had been able to solicit international support.
Power is a tricky one. It always leads to unfairness. It must be easy, for some, to cross lines of human rights of safety and freedom of one’s religious expression and political loyalty, when one is drunk with power.
Fact: power corrupts
Fact: the party trespassing is automatically held accountable for all what follows. Especially when trespassing while spreading fear and chaos.
Fact: muffling media outlets is the highest form of corruption and the closest form to injustice and totalitarian control.
Fact: wi2am wahhab is a total freak, and delusional no less.
Beirut is surrounded. They say Beirut fell. Was Beirut a war front?
Wanting to intimidate the government? Wanting to parade strength? What is the point of what happened today?
I know people are sick and tired of all politicians. People are craving peace of mind, one carefree summer, going to work, being able to feed their families. They are too depleted to stand against any political compromise, any new decision. Only the politicians have this kind of drive. Only the politicians have this kind of interest, so why are the people being punished again?
To me, it was always easy and logical to try and set a platform of commonly accepted undisputed facts, in the hope of reaching some common understanding.
The equation was that unfairness and a bullying attitude had to emanate from power:
Fact: Israel is obviously more powerful and it exercises a very tight control over Palestinians.
Fact: Israel had launched wider scale attacks on its opponents.
Fact: Israel had trespassed to land given to the Palestinians by UN resolutions.
Fact: Israel had controlled the media inside Israel/Palestine and had been able to solicit international support.
Power is a tricky one. It always leads to unfairness. It must be easy, for some, to cross lines of human rights of safety and freedom of one’s religious expression and political loyalty, when one is drunk with power.
Fact: power corrupts
Fact: the party trespassing is automatically held accountable for all what follows. Especially when trespassing while spreading fear and chaos.
Fact: muffling media outlets is the highest form of corruption and the closest form to injustice and totalitarian control.
Fact: wi2am wahhab is a total freak, and delusional no less.
Beirut is surrounded. They say Beirut fell. Was Beirut a war front?
Wanting to intimidate the government? Wanting to parade strength? What is the point of what happened today?
I know people are sick and tired of all politicians. People are craving peace of mind, one carefree summer, going to work, being able to feed their families. They are too depleted to stand against any political compromise, any new decision. Only the politicians have this kind of drive. Only the politicians have this kind of interest, so why are the people being punished again?
And it goes on ..
I blame -- for intimidating the other party and all of Lebanon, for the mere fact that they have developed material superiority. I think -- are promoting a state of dictatorship where thay do not take into account the needs, orientation or opinions of the other party. -- are ruling with power (a form of it at least) and keeping the interest of the people, down to the more basic of it, totally ignored and their hope of survival destroyed. At least part of the people anyway.
-- = who cares?
I blame -- for intimidating the other party and all of Lebanon, for the mere fact that they have developed material superiority. I think -- are promoting a state of dictatorship where thay do not take into account the needs, orientation or opinions of the other party. -- are ruling with power (a form of it at least) and keeping the interest of the people, down to the more basic of it, totally ignored and their hope of survival destroyed. At least part of the people anyway.
-- = who cares?
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Civil war
For reasons not clear to me, Beirut is being attacked. My mother is stuck and the area where she lives turned into a battle ground (she just told me that my sister's building was hit by missiles, my sister is fine, so are her two children). I cannot get to them and they cannot get to me. It is milishia men, with snipers no less, against unarmed inhabitants of Beirut. It seems armed men are attacking people in their homes, hitting buildings with missiles, stopping people in cars and checking IDs. They're shooting and bombing with no specific aims but unarmed folks. Interestingly too, people are not allowed to flee. The civil war has started?
For reasons not clear to me, Beirut is being attacked. My mother is stuck and the area where she lives turned into a battle ground (she just told me that my sister's building was hit by missiles, my sister is fine, so are her two children). I cannot get to them and they cannot get to me. It is milishia men, with snipers no less, against unarmed inhabitants of Beirut. It seems armed men are attacking people in their homes, hitting buildings with missiles, stopping people in cars and checking IDs. They're shooting and bombing with no specific aims but unarmed folks. Interestingly too, people are not allowed to flee. The civil war has started?
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