Thursday, January 01, 2009

2009

Right...

It feels quite odd to be looking at this space trying to fill it up again and i cannot remember how i did that before. I seem to be growing increasingly private and get increasingly isolated..
Hmmm...
I see the pictures from the Gaza massacre and in my busy schedule, i hear of what is happening and my heart breaks but i do not feel worthy to even blog it or talk about it. I feel the most dignified thing i can do is to slip into despair and try to survive in my cheap denial. And who am I to say anything or to even have an opinion. Even thinking about my words not so long ago, I feel ashamed. What is happening in Palestine is not a seasonal affair and I cannot ‘get into’ it based on what is happening in Lebanon. I think this is what I have been doing. To be honest. It started in summer 06 after the war in Lebanon and I remember not sleeping and I remember my rage and my blood boiling at the sight of all the blood and the deaths.. I was turning into something I am not familiar with. I saw how easily people can slip into narrow mindedness and hate. It did indeed start based on the events in Lebanon, but before I know it, I was more outraged but the incessant heartbreak in Palestine. The idea of the loss of hope, I could taste it.. and it got to me… I promised myself to try and make a difference.. I could not exist away anymore and I wanted to come back and be at the heart of it…
What happened since then? Where did I disappear to?
People want to have opinions
It’s in vogue to have opinions
Well I don’t anymore.. I’m paralyzed again. I’m just very very sad..
I don’t have solutions and I don’t have opinions and I feel too small to comment on what is happening and I feel like a hypocrite ..
A hypocrite to feel involved only when disaster strikes and a liar to make any more promises to myself to try and do something…
We get sidetracked and we get sucked into our small problems and small lives and we then dare to think we’re humane when we stop at those horrendous pictures and actually feel something..
It’s almost inhumane to keep going after you do…
And because today, faced with my inhumanity, I have to keep going..
I will go back to my denial.. I will not read your comments or encourage your sad attempts to self-assure by linking images to your sites or expressing disgust in social settings or, better yet, refrain from celebrating the new year in solidarity.. you are as cowardice as I am and as paralyzed by today’s demands as I am and the first one to claim humanity among us by shedding only a tear at the sight of those pictures, the first one to oppose massacres, the most devoted opinionated oppose among us, is the most inhumane of all ….

3 comments:

Mone said...

I feel so depressed and helpless!! Everything is going so terribly wrong!!

Lirun said...

ur not a hypocrit..

having a life is not a crime.. in fact its doing your bit to promote sanity..

dont be so hard on yourself mirvat.. sometimes getting revved up again requires a warm up..

the deja vu is aweful isnt it..

Mirvat El-Sibai said...

it is aweful!